Bollocks, bollocks,bollocks

Me and my big mouth.

Just fired off an email all gung ho/Dunkerque spirit/don't worry, even if we have to crawl we will get there.

And then I went to speak to the Environment Agency who have told me that basically there isn't a hope in hell of getting on the water for Thurs or Fri and that it is highly unlikely we will get out on Sat or Sun as well. 1 or 2 days making up for cycling with rowing feels like it might be feasible, but 4 days without once getting in a boat kind of makes you question what we are doing...

Plus the severe weather warning means it is likely that parts of the Thames path could flood, it began to feel a bit stupid.

So whilst we may be down, we certainly aren't out.

A hastily convened meeting last night in the pub and we have got a new date - provisional at this stage - of Friday 13th June to Monday 16th June. A few more logistical things to sort before we can 100% confirm but hopefully we should be back on soon and ready to boss that Thames. Brint it on wet pants...

(not Ben - talking about the Thames obviously...which is surprisingly moist at the moment)

Do you believe in God?

Cross your fingers, pick some four leaved clovers and pray to the highest heavens that it stops raining. And quickly.

For weeks we have fretted about what might go wrong (not that i am a pessimist you understand - just concerend of St Margaret's...) and felt confident that we had every eventuality covered bar one.

- What if one of us stumbles over, turns an ankle and can't run? No worries, we have got 2 mountain bikes strapped to the back of the support car so we can at least ensure we are self powered even if we can't run.

- What if something goes wrong with one of the boats? No worries, a crash course in boat maintaneance and a tool box that would make your average Homebase store manager feel jealous will see us through.

- What if Qin's chat stinks so badly that none of us can hack it anymore? No worries, we've all got iPod's.

But always lurking in the background was that one thing we couldn't cater for - it that must not be named - the Voldemort of Merander obstacles. The English summer.

And i can't help but think it is my fault.

Now a good bit of rain is a positive - makes the river run faster, makes our skiffing easier & nippier. And there i was, middle of last week looking at some bank holiday rain, feeling rather smug. After all, always nice to get a helping hand from mother nature.

But there is a fine line between "a bit of rain" and "too much rain" and we have crossed it - or at least are perilously close to crossing it.

When the river is in full flood, there are 2 types of boards that are put up - Yellow - "you can skiff, but be careful as it is dangerous" - and Red - "I pity the fool..."

As i write at 9:45pm on Tues evening, there is only a short stretch of river between Marlow & Maidenhead (day 3 - Sat) that has red boards - the rest of the river we can skiff on.

But the problem is that this was an automated message at 4:30pm this afternoon. And it is due to shit it down tonight. So as of tomorrow morning? Who knows.

All we can do is pray.

So i ask you this - whatever your faith, whatever your attitude to fate, chance or luck, please do us a favour. Please urge the fates/gods/pixies/tooth fairy not to let it rain. And if i am being really picky, can you ask for some sun too?

Cause if we don't, we've got to find a plan B. And right now, there isn't much of one...

1 week to go...and the fear is here...

That's the last time we let Qin stretch against a tree...

With just one week to go, things are getting a little excited and tense (in fairly equal measure) in the Merander household.

Last minute sessions on the river to refine our technique have gone well (bar the odd oar snapping mishap from Mr Wiseman - apparently his guns are just too big and the blades can't cope with the power...). Hattie & Vix have had their first coxing outings and handled them with deft skill and Tim, Kath & Dom are due in over the next few days.

Running also seems to be going well with strong training from the lads. Unfortuantely I (Garnetto) have had a few shin splinter issues so am on an intensive 3 times a week physio schedule at the moment but making strong progress and confident that it won't hinder me when we finally tackle the Thames Path. With Matt's knee held together by sellotape, Team 2 is shaping up to have the physical sturdiness of your average Darren Anderton season but I am sure we will make it!

Massive thanks to everyone who has already donated thus far - awesome generosity has seen us very nearly up to £3k but still a long way to go to get to the £10k target so if you haven't had the chance yet, please dig deep and sponsor us - 4 great causes that would be hugely appreciative of your hard earned sheckles. CLICK HERE TO DONATE ONLINE

We are also delighted that so many of you are planning to meet us at the London Rowing Club on Sunday 1st from 3pm - there will be a bar and a BBQ which we hope you will make full use of. So bring your shorts and sunnies and see you there.

And we have even had some keen beens (Jon, Tim, Hattie to name a few) who have threatened to run the final legs with us which will be awesome (so long as you promise to be slow and sweaty like we will be...). If you fancy it, please let us know as would be great to see you.

So you know, we will run and row past the club as the finish line is Putney Bridge, so don't worry, we will come back in case you thought we couldn't be arsed to come in and celebrate...

That's everything - please post us any last minute good luck messages by clicking on the messages link below

Team 1 Vs. Team 2 - the toss of the coin

Amidst scenes of great drama, we did the toss of the coin a couple of nights ago to see who would be skiffing and who would be running which legs of the Thames.

Lets be honest, there are a lot of legs that no one really cares about which ones they do but three were a bit contentious:

1) Who would lead us out of Lechlade at the start
2) Who would bring us home into Putney
3) And which poor sods would have the misfortune to have to run the longest stretch of the river - 6.5 miles between Benson & Cleeve locks (through Wallingford on Day 2)

And by some ridiculous misfortune, Matt and I seem to have got the short straw not once, not twice, but thrice!

I am still struggling to get to terms with the fact that, as the person who has worked out the distances and times, surely i should have been able to rig this so that i didn't get stitched up quite as much as i have, but no, it seems not.

Dissappointing to say the least...

So there you have it, Ben & Qin leading us out and bringing us home in the boat and Matt & Simon running, sweating heavily and out of breath (lets hope not at Lechlade at least)

1 race, 1 win

Look at that for awesome timing and hardly any splashing...

Saturday saw the first real test of our progress so far with two of us (Simon and Ben) taking part in the Wraysbury 3 mile skiffing regatta. We competed in the Gentleman’s Novice class in division two which consisted of about 8 boats of all levels from ... well us to a well respected senior women’s crew...

Early bravado soon disappeared as we seriously began to question our realistic chances being the only crew not to have entered a regatta before. We managed to psyche ourselves out a little by looking at the other crews and thinking they were bigger/stronger/fitter/better than us (little bit like the warm up for a rugby match when all you can do is get the fear about their enormous second rowers...)

As we took to the water I discovered the answer to a question that countless people have toiled over for many years … how do you shut Garnett up? Answer? Put him in a skiffing race as not a peep was heard in our final preparations.

The crews set off at 20 sec intervals; we had two experienced ladies crews in front of us and our main competition in the form of two other Gentleman’s novice crews behind us. This meant that we could keep tabs on them but might also face the humiliation of being overtaken.

The start was a rolling start and we hit it perfectly and to our amazement were overtaking the crew in front of us within the first few hundred metres. We powered on inspired by are impressive start and before we knew it we were pulling swiftly away from the crews behind us and gaining on the star crew in front.

By the half way point Ben hit the wall but after much shouting and gnashing of teeth powered through it. On the run home we extended our lead over the boats behind and ever so slowly hunted down the one in front. As we crossed the line we were quietly confident that we had done enough to win.

After what seemed like an age prize giving came and sure enough we picked up our first medals (and by medals, we do of course mean horrible "faux bronze tat") in a very respectable time which actually meant that we had not only won our class but our division as well.

I can only hope that the event goes as soomthly...

Merander 2008: The Challenge

So what the hell is a “MERANDER”?
Well largely just a really bad pun courtesy of Matt – let me explain...

A Meander is the name given to any descent of the Thames from the highest navigable point (Lechlade in Gloucester) to at least London (although where you give up does rather bizzarely seem to be up to you as some chose Teddington, others Gravesend in Essex).

A MeRANder (see what we've done there? Clever...) is the name given to one of these journeys that combines skiffing (that’s rowing in a fixed seat boat – yes it is as painful as it sounds – and that’s without the chafing...) with running.

Stupid? Yup, we are beginning to think so too.

So how does it work?
There are 45 locks on the Thames – mostly spaced out every 3 to 5 miles. At each of these, we will swap over, so that 2 of us who had been running will then skiff and vice versa. In practice, this means that for 4 days, we will be skiffing 17 miles a day and running 17 miles a day.

Or to put it more scarily, in 4 days, we will each have run 70 miles and skiffed 70 miles. Ouch.

The Route:
140 miles of pure Thames joy...

Day 1: Lechlade to Abingdon: a nice gentle 40 miler to break us in. And as if things aren’t bad enough, we also have to go through Oxford. Disappointing...

Day 2: Abingdon to Wargrave: A more modest 35 miles through Goring, Pangbourne & Reading

Day 3: Wargrave to Staines: 32 miles through Henley, Maidenhead and Windsor. But it’s alright because we get to ease our aching muscles in the finest hotel that Staines has to offer. Travelodge anyone?

Day 4: The final 32 mile stretch through Weybridge, Kingston, Richmond before ending at Putney. At Richmond we join the tidal Thames so to keep up, the runners will need to put in some 6 minute miles – should be easy enough after 130 miles don’t you think?

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The Charities

Doing a lot of work for charity that we don't really like to talk about

Whilst doing this for own self esteem and vanity is a noble motive indeed (well sort of) it is much easier to know that what we are doing it for a really great cause – or more importantly 4 great causes.

And in the four charities that we have chosen, we each have a personal and very real motivation to make it during those inevitable miles when we will no doubt want to give up, cry and just shout at each other...

So please read about our chosen charities below and donate in the most generous fashion you can – by giving us loads of cash!

"Give us your fcuking money Sir Bob"

British Heart Foundation: Every five minutes in the UK, somebody dies from a heart attack. And in a great deal of those instances, it is people's doubt or ignorance of the symptoms that stops them getting the right help. A chest pain is your body's way of saying call 999

As the largest indepdent funder of heart research in the UK, BHF is committed to fighting diseases of the heart and circulation that currently cause premature death and disability. In addition, they provide education for for public and professionals alike, as well as providing life saving cardiac equipment and support for rehab and patient care.

Please visit http://www.bhf.org.uk/

Terrence Higgins Trust:
The Terrence Higgins Trust is the UK’s leading HIV and sexual health charity, providing a wide range of services to over 50,000 people a year. The charity also campaigns and lobbies for greater political and public understanding of the personal, social and medical impact of HIV and sexual ill health.

THT was one of the first charities to be set up in response to the HIV epidemic and has been at the forefront of the fight against HIV and AIDS ever since. The Trust was established as a charity in 1982. Terry Higgins was one of the first people in the UK to die with AIDS. A group of his friends wanted to prevent more people having to face the same illness as Terry. So they named the Trust after him, hoping to personalise and humanise AIDS in a very public way.

For more details, please visit http://www.tht.org.uk/

Help for Heroes:
Help for Heroes was launched on 1st October 2007. We wanted to do something practical for the men and women of our Armed Forces who are wounded while serving in the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan.

What is H4H all about? It’s about the blokes, our men and women. It’s about Derri, a rugby player who has lost both his legs, it about Carl whose jaw is wired up so he has been drinking through a straw. It’s about Richard who was handed a mobile phone as he lay on the stretcher so he could say goodbye to his wife. It is about Ben, its about Steven and Andy and Mark, its about them all.

They are just blokes but they are our blokes; they are our heroes. We want to help our heroes.

For more info please visit the site on http://www.helpforheroes.org.uk/

Beating Bowel Cancer:
Do you like talking about your bottom? No didn’t think so. But you should. And one of the aims of Beating Bowel Cancer is getting people to be happy to communicate frankly and knowledgably about all aspects of the disease, bowels and bums – because that is the way to beat Bowel Cancer.

Bowel cancer is the 2nd biggest cancer killer in the UK. 35,500 people will be diagnosed with the disease this year and around half will die. But, before we get too depressed, if caught early, it is one of the most curable cancers.

So along with getting all of us more comfortable with talking about our bums, Beating Bowel Cancer is dedicated to raising awareness of symptoms, promoting early diagnosis and encouraging open access to treatment choices for those affected.

For more details, please visit http://www.beatingbowelcancer.org/ and in the meantime, if you are stuck for conversation, you know what to talk about...

So how do we give you the cash?
To donate, please click here. All donations will be split evenly across all four charities to ensure we raise money for all the charities dear to our hearts.

Thank you in advance for your generosity – it is hugely appreciated.

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The idiots doing it

These muppets ought to be able to put up a pretty good fight...

So who are these fine athletes, taking their bodies to the edge of human endurance in the name of charidee? I am not sure. But if they don’t make it, then these 4 will have to make do:

Team 1: Qin & Ben:
QIN:
Qin ‘self professed geography expert’ Wiseman is a great walloping specimen of a man but there’s more than corduroy sports jackets and leather elbow patches to this Surrey teacher. Nicknamed ‘Buzz Lightyear’ by his students, if he can be levered away from his boarding house, a mountain or the rugby pitch, there lies no better team player.

What skills he may lack in sculling, personal admin and organisation (we remain in awe of Simon's work on this one) the man heartily compensates for it in endurance, spirit and a fantastically large pair of thighs.

Not one to shy away from Simon's over active imagination and participate in what was deemed as ‘pleasant to do on a long weekend’, this latest 140 mile hair-brained scheme is set to challenge the boundaries of friendship but somehow still combines Qin’s three big loves; exercise, challenge and exercise.

A penchant for the cold Kent sea, Qin has been voted most likely to swim the final leg, whilst dragging his team members along in the boat. Like a loyal spaniel to the MeRANder 2008 boys, don’t get in the way of the final goal; lots of money for charity and a triumphant round of buca’s at Putney Rowing Club - and yes the big man will be thirsty – so if he asks you to join him in a beverage, I would swiftly oblige.

BEN:
Ben, or "Wet Pants" to give him his official title (who lays up on a par 3 pitch and putt eh?) is like a caged tiger, so eager is he to give the Thames a bit of a beasting. The veteran of a tour of duty in Basra, Old Father Thames has met his match in this man.

But far be it from me to give away the details of this man - his inner demons, his dark secrets and what exactly did happen that night in a Paris loo after the Rugby World Cup Final. Rather, I will leave the delightful Vix to let illuminate you still further...

It is a common misconception that the late great director Anthony Minghella was referring to the pinnacle of his career and the zenith of his achievement – the remarkable moment that constitutes winning an Oscar – when he said that it was a “great day for the Isle of Wight”. In actual fact, he must have been referring to the momentous day, nearly 30 years ago now, when Benjamin Lionel Tomlison “ The Chin” Hayward popped into the world, ginger of hair and loud of lung.

Never one to sit still, Ben spent the next twenty-something years hopping between the Island and the Mainland and taking part in any form of challenge, sport or generally competitive physical activity he could find. Whether it was sailing, rugby, cycling or hiking, Ben threw himself into it with vigour, courage and more than a touch of insanity. With Superman-like skills – the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound; a penchant for lycra and showing people his underpants – he conquered all that he faced until one day, having run out of daft things to do, he decided to go and play with tanks in Germany and Iraq. Not content with live warfare for excitement, Ben interspersed the arduous years of getting blind drunk with his mates, by skiing competitively or breaking bones (bicycles are for flat surfaces, not staircases Hayward).

It seemed a logical conclusion, therefore, that on leaving the cavalry, Ben jumped straight on board with Garnett’s hair-brained scheme, pausing only to grab his lycra.Personally, I think the boy is one sandwich short of a picnic. But there’s no doubt that, when he rows into Putney on 1st June, it will be another great day for the Isle of Wight.

Team 2: Matt & Simon:
MATT:
“Where have all the good men gone and where are all the gods? Where’s the streetwise Hercules to fight the rising odds? Isn’t there a white Knight upon a fiery steed? Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need. I need a hero!”

Well don’t worry Bonnie – I’ve got your man. And his name is Matt.

Half Welsh (well maybe...and a bonus for Bonnie if it is true), Matt has always been “in touch”. The only man I know who regularly walks around with Lip Balm and Moisturiser on a daily basis, team 2 will never be caught short in a chapping/chafing related incident. Indeed, there are rumours that the only reason he agreed to take part was because of the mountains of Vaseline he knows will be available.

We have sweated a little on Matt’s inclusion as just in to the New Year, Matt had some serious knee surgery. But as the veteran of marathons, half marathons and a Windsor to Stroud bike ride, this wasn’t going to stop him and like the hero he is, Matt has valiantly got back on the horse, pounded out the miles and now looks fitter, leaner and meaner than anyone else on the crew (well, apart from Ben & Qin that is...).

It is a genuine pleasure to have Matt on board. He had never been in a skiff yet alone held some oars before the start of this challenge and yet has taken to it like a duck to water. I am sure that discussions over the nutritional value of dust and the colour of Gavin Henson’s skin will make the miles fly by – can’t wait...maybe...

SIMON:
There are those in life who are happy to bob along gently, living life in the slow lane, rarely stepping out of the comfort zone before it's back to a nice cup of Bovril in front of the Antiques Roadshow. And then, as far up the other end of the scale as he can get, there’s Simon. And perhaps Ben Fogle and James Cracknell.

Simon is enthusiasm in human form and the reason that we are even attempting this insanity is because of him. Thanks mate.

Having already rowed the length of the Thames 2 years ago with Will Christie and raised an astonishing amount for MSF, he is back for more (and this time it’s serious). Big Si (as he likes to be known) has organised this mission with military precision, been very charitable about his team mate's rather dubious skiffing skills and tirelessly encouraging in the face of the daunting amount of training necessary.

His energy and passion are incredible – when applied to sambuca shots or dancing to his ‘best of gay’ playlist, it can have disastrous results … but when it comes to challenges such as the one we are about to attempt, you could ask for no better man on your team. Well, perhaps one whose personal safety record doesn't rival that of your average central African airline.

I am genuinely really excited about taking on Garnetto's latest challenge, although as I have to spend half of it with him practically sitting in my lap, I'm just hoping that he doesn’t take a leaf out of the Cracknell/Fogle book and attempt to do the whole thing naked, which knowing him as I do, is a very real worry

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The Support Crew

Our support crew of cloned Qins

Doing this simply would not be possible without the help and support of so many. Selected highlights from the cast of thousands (well maybe 6) who have and will help us below - if we have missed you out and you are feeling aggrieved then let us know and you never know, you might get lucky...

Kath:
Support car, masseuse and general legend 2 years ago when Si & Will Christie rowed the Thames, Kath is back for more of the action this time around.

A fairly thankless task that involves driving down random lanes trying to find locks in the rain and then running down the Thames to find out if we have got lost, Kath did it with an enthusiasm that makes a Labrador puppy look positively lethargic.

Thinking about it, it might be something to do with the fact that she gets to massage not just 2 men this time but 4 (3 of whom aren’t her husband) but I am sure that is just tabloid tittle tattle...

Massive thanks to Kath – you are a legend

Mr and Mrs Wiseman:

"I said no swim bands - no swim"

Mike and Christine have again come to the rescue and helping to support us on our challenge. The only fear we have is whether Mike is going to achieve his life long ambition and swim the Thames because his "mile out, mile across" has become too easy over the years...

Hattie:
No stranger to a challenge herself (marathon #3 was completed in record time in April) Hattie has been an enthusiastic supported of the MeRANder from the outset. She gallantly volunteered to "help out in any way she could" and was duly appointed to the coxing crew. I think she was secretly hoping for the aftershow party organisation role, but we couldn't deprive her of one of the "top jobs" now could we?!

Having never rowed or coxed before, Hattie's reaction upon seeing the skiff for the first time was "Well that doesn't look very comfortable, does it?". Nothing wrong with her eyesight then - which should help when negotiating some of the trickier bends on day 2.

Hattie's sense of humour and inimitable laugh will no doubt raise the spirits of the men in the boat. I just hope the residents of Oxforshire and Berkshire are ready for her...!

Vix:
Vix has put her Hollywood acting career on hold for a few days to come and support the lads by coxing on the middle stretch. With previous rowing knowledge at Cambridge she will be a seasoned pro....kinda.

There will never be a dull moment with Vixs' "external" internal monologue and stunning looks which are sure to keep the chaps entertained throughout her time on board.

Peach, Tim and Hetty:


So popular is the Charity event of the decade (well maybe - who has heard of Live8 anyway?) that we have a bit of a surfeit of coxing talent to chose from over the weekend. And Peach, Tim & Hetty have all kindly thrown their hat into the ring for the opportunity to cox us to new heights of glory.

I don't think anyone has told them (1) How uncomfortable it is and (2) How boring it is (Pete Hunt actually fell asleep whilst coxing Will & Si last time round...) but so long as these are just our little secrets then truth needn't get in the way and we might be able to convince them that "It will be really good fun". Or we'll just tell Tim that it is a competition and offer to time him - that should do the trick.

Hang on - if it is a competition, i want a go. Must win, must win...

Dom:
A veteran of the 2006 Row the Thames attempt, Dom brings some much needed respectability to the challenge. Or at least he will do so long as he doesn't wear one of these ridiculous beaters.

Dom will cox us on the final leg - navigating the delights of Staines, Sunbury and 'Nam (that's Twick-nam in case you were wondering).

On the basis of that, it might be worth bringing the guns with you in fact big lad - the more artillery the better - its a jungle out there...

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The aftershow party

Having spent 4 days getting down the river, we want to celebrate in style.

As a result, we have booked out London Rowing Club for a BBQ and drinks. The idea is this: we are due at Putney Bridge any time after 15.20 on Sun June 1 2008 and the Club will be open from 1500 for guests.

So please go in, grab yourself a drink and then come and stand by the river/on the balcony/on the bridge after fighting your way through the swarming mass of spectators and give a warm welcome back to the lads.

Just remember that whilst the glory will mainly be focused on the two in the boat the other two short straw winners will be running the last bit so keep an eye out for them as well.

Once all that malarky is over its back to the rowing club for BBQ and a few well earned tinnies, see you there.

Please let us know if you are going to attend so that we can ensure we have the proper numbers - send us an email by clicking here
For those of you who are real keen beans and fancy running the last few miles with us, then we will be running along the south side of the Thames from Richmond to Chiswick Bridge, cross over Chiswick Bridge to the north side to Hammersmith Bridge and then back over Hammersmith Bridge to Putney.

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A note to our sponsors

We have been greatly helped by loads of people in making this happen – thanks to everyone below for all your help – it is hugely appreciated:

Dittons Skiffing and Punting Club:
The great folk of Dittons have not only taken it upon themselves to teach us how to skiff, but have also been so generous as to lend us a boat for the whole ordeal. A massive thanks to all – we could not have done it without your help.

They have a novice night on Weds – get down for a great time, skiffing on a beautiful stretch of the Thames with great people at the club. More details at http://www.dittons.org.uk/

JKR Design Agency:
A productive sideline in brand design helped support her through the barren Harry Potter years

Massive thanks to Rich, Caroline and Glen at JKR who designed our logo for us. Simon has worked with them on the design for Guinness Red at Diageo and they have been awesome and their help is greatly appreciated. http://www.jkr.co.uk/

Lucozade Sport:
Ootie and the team at Lucoazade Sport who have kept all of us well fed, watered and energised. http://www.lucozade.com/ for the lowdown!

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